Even the Devil Wears a Tie

Worse then normal. Probably. They have come back and i go sleepless again. The same dream. The same theme. The same people. The same end. For at least the past 2 years it has come and gone. Sometimes back to back days, sometimes a few in a row....sometimes a week and change. I can't seem to shake it. So sleep is a luxury i can't seem to afford. There are so many points in my life that i can control with the greatest of power. Both mentally and physically. I can lift my mood, control my anger, smile in the darkest of times. Yet this grabs me like the bad drug i remember. Its an amazing fear that creeps into me while i sleep... powerless... alone... unmanaged... The flutter of the eyes i am sure starts it off. A nice calm rest turns a switch to a dark and restless moment. Then they move as fast as light thru my brain looking to find that deep dark cave they left it in. Where i couldn't find it to throw out. Where i couldn't see it until it was too late. And it begins. It starts as any other calm, cool and collect. In the beginning as they do all i feel a sense of calming. And then it takes hold. The sweat starts to pour. Have you ever awaken to a wet head, pillow, blanket, shirt, and boxers all at once. I begin to move more and more. The emotion and passion run thru me like a needle in my vein. Sometimes i hit the event horizon and i can wake myself in time before the mind runs wild. Not tonight. I hit the black hole and it pulls me with such force. I struggle to wake up and keep thinking this is only a dream. I cry cause every time i wake up with tears. And without a moments notice or a moment to soon i spring forward and gasp for a breath. The dream is over. I am awake. If it were only that easy. In my sleep i can't control anything, while i am awake i control the entire thing. My mind runs wild. did that really happen? Was that just a dream? Could it be true? Could i be seeing things I'm not suppose to? Paranoia sets in. Deep as it always does. Followed by anger, sadness, regret, doubt, sadness, warmth, understanding, hate, fear, loathing. Hate. The only true time i feel hate for something is when i think of myself hating anything or anyone. Daylight comes quickly which is not a surprise. It always does when you just want to feel the darkness. For now my insanity is within and i will keep it at bay. but its early. A great writer once said "You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands". Some laugh at that quote. I say when you fully grasp it and not only say it but use it as pray. Then find it and truly think of what to or not to do.