Better. Stronger. Faster.

The thoughts come quicker and sharper now. I have a meeting in 26 minutes and am hating the thought of sitting thru it. Was hungry but not anymore. Its hiding i can feel it. Even after all this time it thinks i can be easily lulled to sleep. Rocked to the idea that i will forget and let a wave hit me. Paranoia hits now. Keep control my friends. If it starts to spin I will lose my handle. I go into the same thoughts of you know how this works. You handle it and move forward. You will bounce back and be just fine. Seems unhealthy. I have lived like this for so long now though afterward its a comfort. Almost an achievement that i am still able to do it. Terrible. I think how to destroy it and all i know is that its close to the bottle of a bottle. That last sip. That well i can have just one more to be sure. That stumble into nothingness. The lost emotion and push away of everything. The destruction of myself. The other enemy i fight in this spiral. Myself. The quick fix that brings a smile, a sense of calm, a moment to breath...followed by the chance of not throwing enough into myself that i am stuck in the dream for longer then needed. Just the thought gave me a chill and a small damp sweat over my brow. Then the question of are you ok?? Well i'm not dying. And I am not sure what ok is as i have not been it in so long. Normal...Not in a million years. But ok, yeah i can live with that. I have to believe that we all have these moments of what i will call inspiration. Well to static and noise i go. Wish me luck