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I know its been too long. Things have not been so good for this wolf lately. Besides the normal dwelling of sleepless nights and party filled days. Well lets just say my services are here for the taking. It is truly amazing on how the things that bring you what you feel as such discomfort when taken away hurt so bad. A sense of dis-order has crept into me. I can focus and now sleep much better but still not the same. I am trying to move this forward and bring what i know i can bring back to the table. I just hope for the support and meaning to come with it from not only others but myself. I grasp at what i can and for now i will go back to what i know works. it may take time to bring back all that you know me for and what i see. But know i am working to it. "I can no longer do for you what i can not do for myself. I can only do what i can for me to others. But for now I will be selfish and righteous and only do onto me."

With that, keep the tie going, and know that each one brings me strength. No matter how shitty it looks on Jesse.

I just want to see what i'm working with here

A fool proof plan. Have a few drinks. Stay up a little later. And sleep thru the night with no thoughts and no worries. Not so much. I shot out of bed this morning at 4:18am. I know the exact time because....well i'm not sure why i remember that. But i do. Damp, cold, and this time slightly shaking. I don't have an answer anymore. Sleep seems like a distant mirage that as i run towards it, it takes a giant step back only to leave me where i was. At 4:18am in the morning dripping with sweat sometimes the only thing you have is your thoughts. Funny cause thats where all this begins. I beat myself down. I get frustrated. I get upset. As you lose control you hit a point of comfort. Or at least I do. A point where you know this is the last emotion before you will be over it and willing to move on. Unfortunately for me my mind is not your normal processing center. It is a super generated, high speed internet, multi-tasking, super conductor power station...on speed, coke, and steroids. So you know slightly above average. As i run a mile a minute in my head i come to a thought that slams me in my tracks...did i turn the heater off in the garage. I can't sleep, my dreams are running my sleep, and i am wet. BUT NOOOOO my concern right now is the fucking heater in my garage. I turn off the heater because of course i am right. jump back into what i consider now my water bed and even if it was only for two hours..i sleep. No thoughts. No dreams. Nothing. Just sleep. Usually i have a nice quote or a connection with a smart and wise point. I dont for this. To whoever or whatever cause me to do that even if only for a moment, thank you. I can't disappoint though so i will leave you with a quote anyway.
"In thoughts from the visions of the night, when deep sleep falleth on men..." ~Job 4:13.
Maybe even he had trouble sleeping. If so maybe its not too bad after all.

My only friend the end

So my work day is almost done. the monster for now is at bay. Not gone. But doing what i desperately need to do tonight...Sleeping. I am not drained. I am not tired. I have not hit the wall i remember so. I picked up a good piece of advice that went a long way. Or maybe just another quote. To "use it as a tool." I have tried for two years to control it and suppress all that i feel and not say anything. Not let the darkest thought come out as for fear as what someone may say. That can not be anymore. i help it stay in the cave by not forcing it out. Purging myself of the evil or poison or whatever the hell you want to call it. The rant lives inside with this animal and i have learned to use that. Why can't this be any different. No doubt when i sleep tonight i may awake to the same breath. Same sweat. Same lost feeling. Maybe you dont have to go over the edge to know where it is though. Maybe just knowing your close is what keeps you alive. All day i have quoted the same man. Maybe you know him and maybe you don't. But in all likely hood you have heard of Hunter S Thompson. I leave you with this that i will hold through my day. "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,,, but they have always worked for me."


Good Night. And Good Luck.

Better. Stronger. Faster.

The thoughts come quicker and sharper now. I have a meeting in 26 minutes and am hating the thought of sitting thru it. Was hungry but not anymore. Its hiding i can feel it. Even after all this time it thinks i can be easily lulled to sleep. Rocked to the idea that i will forget and let a wave hit me. Paranoia hits now. Keep control my friends. If it starts to spin I will lose my handle. I go into the same thoughts of you know how this works. You handle it and move forward. You will bounce back and be just fine. Seems unhealthy. I have lived like this for so long now though afterward its a comfort. Almost an achievement that i am still able to do it. Terrible. I think how to destroy it and all i know is that its close to the bottle of a bottle. That last sip. That well i can have just one more to be sure. That stumble into nothingness. The lost emotion and push away of everything. The destruction of myself. The other enemy i fight in this spiral. Myself. The quick fix that brings a smile, a sense of calm, a moment to breath...followed by the chance of not throwing enough into myself that i am stuck in the dream for longer then needed. Just the thought gave me a chill and a small damp sweat over my brow. Then the question of are you ok?? Well i'm not dying. And I am not sure what ok is as i have not been it in so long. Normal...Not in a million years. But ok, yeah i can live with that. I have to believe that we all have these moments of what i will call inspiration. Well to static and noise i go. Wish me luck

Fear is just another word for ignorance

Even thru the day i can feel it in me. Its odd. To try to explain it makes this feeling grow. I get increasingly on edge. In a moment i care about and for nothing but in that same moment the feeling is to care and go mad over just that. I am no longer tired now that my day has gone on. It keeps me going. A cure? A solution? I am searching. My fingers go no where near as fast as i need them to be right now.I struggle holding a thought long enough to focus and put it down before the next 13 are running ramped thru my head. Why haven't i gotten it yet?!? Its all i want. I am forgotten. Lost and confused. Things are said but are they really meant. Why would you say that? And then this? It is almost in full swing and its a hard emotion to draw back once it gets going. It will make me go manic for the time being and then i will be tired again. Used and abused by an emotion i control and don't all in the same time.And then it hits you. Sadness. No rhyme. No reason. Just the mere thought of knowing. Why you ask? If i knew that i wouldn't be here i guess would i. The overwhelming idea that you can invest everything and only hope you are getting that in return. Darkness. Part of the enemy i fought all night is the one things i wish i could see now. The drug has not finished with me. Maybe it has only just begun. Maybe it isn't ready to go away. Maybe it never left. No needle in my arm but i can still feel the sting from the puncture. No drugs close by but i can feel the warmth of it run thru me like a warm drink. I fight. I keep fighting. I have to. That same smart man whispers another quote in my ear..."The Edge...there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over it." I can't say i will be back because i don't know. But heres to the hope that i am. Maybe with a different voice in my head. Or just my own.

Even the Devil Wears a Tie

Worse then normal. Probably. They have come back and i go sleepless again. The same dream. The same theme. The same people. The same end. For at least the past 2 years it has come and gone. Sometimes back to back days, sometimes a few in a row....sometimes a week and change. I can't seem to shake it. So sleep is a luxury i can't seem to afford. There are so many points in my life that i can control with the greatest of power. Both mentally and physically. I can lift my mood, control my anger, smile in the darkest of times. Yet this grabs me like the bad drug i remember. Its an amazing fear that creeps into me while i sleep... powerless... alone... unmanaged... The flutter of the eyes i am sure starts it off. A nice calm rest turns a switch to a dark and restless moment. Then they move as fast as light thru my brain looking to find that deep dark cave they left it in. Where i couldn't find it to throw out. Where i couldn't see it until it was too late. And it begins. It starts as any other calm, cool and collect. In the beginning as they do all i feel a sense of calming. And then it takes hold. The sweat starts to pour. Have you ever awaken to a wet head, pillow, blanket, shirt, and boxers all at once. I begin to move more and more. The emotion and passion run thru me like a needle in my vein. Sometimes i hit the event horizon and i can wake myself in time before the mind runs wild. Not tonight. I hit the black hole and it pulls me with such force. I struggle to wake up and keep thinking this is only a dream. I cry cause every time i wake up with tears. And without a moments notice or a moment to soon i spring forward and gasp for a breath. The dream is over. I am awake. If it were only that easy. In my sleep i can't control anything, while i am awake i control the entire thing. My mind runs wild. did that really happen? Was that just a dream? Could it be true? Could i be seeing things I'm not suppose to? Paranoia sets in. Deep as it always does. Followed by anger, sadness, regret, doubt, sadness, warmth, understanding, hate, fear, loathing. Hate. The only true time i feel hate for something is when i think of myself hating anything or anyone. Daylight comes quickly which is not a surprise. It always does when you just want to feel the darkness. For now my insanity is within and i will keep it at bay. but its early. A great writer once said "You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands". Some laugh at that quote. I say when you fully grasp it and not only say it but use it as pray. Then find it and truly think of what to or not to do.

Torture you...Thats a good idea, I like that

Green button down (almost mint i suppose) dark blue and green striped tie.

Got about 3 hours of sleep last night. Everytime I closed my eyes it just wouldn't happen. So needless to say today I am beat. But the tie will carry me along today.....I hope.

So after a nice dinner last night me and the little lady happened to notice a concert going on in the same building. When i asked what it was i was tickled like a pig in shit when i heard the unmistakable kick of the double bass drum, the needless but masterful screaming into the mic, and the crunch of bodies all in front showing love for the band.

The band name escapes me right now but no worries I will be pluggin!

Anyways, me with the button down and tie at the metal show. Now if there is an opposite of the tie i do believe its the spiked collar. But yet again the tie won't be denied. A few looks as i walk in and stares in the pit but nothing but pats on the back, fist bumps and a few "atta boys" from my metal brothern. But what i notice is not the smiles and hellos and genuine good these people show not only to me but my girl. I notice not once was i asked about the tie. They looked straight past it and right at me.

Sounds crazy but i can see why. All the stares they get for the shit all over their face, or tats up and down the body, or that gapping hole in the ear. Granted its a different wavelength but its their own personal tie.

We all have a tie on. Its just what degree you show it. JDub if your out there much love and respect! Killer show and I hope to see you again soon. And as he so charmingly put it when he said good bye to us last night. "See you motherfuckers later, and fuck the suits"

Spoken like a true tie

I am not sure if he's really going to pay for them or not

Good February! Here is yet another chance for that special someone in your life to show you just exactly how much your worth. Never by true emotion or complete love. But yes, as all you women know and love, by the power of the dollar!! Its one of the (what seem to be 30 or 40) times a year we as men go out and try to guess what to get to show you really how much we care. Now i know the flowers and the candy are always welcome, but so over done its really kinda sad. Now jewlery is the best because i always have a few extra hundred dollars that i can drop on something that you may or may not wear 3 to 4 times this year. My real question is where is the man's version of this day. When is it our time to be spoiled. Of course you will get the atypical girl response of "every other day of the year is your day." And well i dont see me getting flowers or candy any of those days, do you??? I guess the point is to look past the gifts you may or may not get. Days like this should be spent quietly together. Doing things you both enjoy together. Whether its a nice dinner and a movie at home or a luxury trip (if you can afford it)where its couples massages and such. The true point is to be together for a day where the TV may or may not come on. The dishes may or may not get done right away. And most importantly the time spent may or may not end. Dont make it a point to get the best gift this one year. Instead show them what it really means to love by giving them a small gift for the next 50 years. Thats the true gift we all search for on that day.

After a nice weekend where we met a new canidate for friendship I feel energized for the upcoming month.
Shes a TEN! SPLIT"EM! Merry Christmas!

Wear a tie, more posts soon. And as always make sure when watching tv to check the guide and always be live not recording!